Today I’m reviewing Santa Claus Conquers the Martians from 1964, which I got from my contact at the Ministry of Absurdly-Titled Movies (along with Teenagers From Outer Space, The Wild Women of Wongo, and my personal favorite, Eegah!). It’s directed by—you know what, it’s Santa Claus Conquers the Motherf@#$in’ Martians, what more do you want?
I’m watching this one with a drink I’ve named the White Dominican. It’s one part rum to one part vodka to two parts milk or cream. I don’t know if it’s a real drink or not, but it’s all I’ve got in my liquor cabinet.
From the movie’s blurb: “[The Martians] return to Mars with Santa and the children in tow, but are thwarted when he converts the Martian children with unstoppable Yuletide joy.”
I’m so excited I just peed a little. Let’s get to it:
00:01: We open with the most obnoxious Christmas song ever, sung by a chorus of obnoxious children. No song has ever sounded good by a chorus of children. Just annoying.
Bad start.
1:00: We’ve got a news real of special correspondent Andy Anderson reporting live from the North Pole. It’s being watched by Martians. So we’ve already established the existence of Santa Claus and Martians. I’m glad we didn’t diddle around with that.
3:00: Andy Anderson is creepy. Santa is even creepier.
3:10: “Dancer and Prancer and Donner and Nixon—” Did Santa just make a Nixon joke?
4:00: Enter Mrs. Claus who, upon realizing she’s on camera, fumbles with her hair and squeels off screen in a fit of womanly embarrasment. Santa and Andy have a hearty laugh. Silly women.
5:00: We get a look at the toyshop and Andy finds a toy that looks remarkably like a Martian. “Oh, Winky made that one,” says Santa. Winky is apparenly both clichéd and clairvoyant.
7:00: Cut to Mars. Martians are purple, wear grey jumpsuits, and wear helmets with antennae.
A Martian is calling for Droppo, who he finds sleeping and wakes up with a wand. We’re informed that Droppo is the laziest man on Mars—also the silliest.
Enter food pills. What else would Martians eat?
8:00: Our Martian protagonist is named Keymar. His wife is Momar. They speak English with a Martian accent. Apparenly Keymar is the leader of the Martians. And Momar is kind of hot.
We learn through some dialogue that the children of Mars have been losing their appetites and having trouble sleeping, and this seems to have something to do with their watching television programs from Earth.
They decide to consult an ancient prophet that lives in the wilderness.
12:00: The other Martian council chiefs are gathered in the forest and we can see from the start that Boldar is an asshole—he heads not the advice of the prophet.
14:00: The prophet is Tim from Monty Python’s The Holy Grail. He knows about Christmas, and this knowledge explains everything.
16:00: Martian children never learn to play, have fun, etc. “The children must be allowed to be children again…” Clearly, the Martians need to kidnap Santa Claus.
Boldar wants none of this. “Bah!” he says. The children will just get annoying if we bring Santa to Mars. I’m with Boldar if it means they’re going to sing that song.
20:00: Approaching Earth in the Martian rocket. They scan the surface for Santa Claus, optically. With telescopes. Great dialogue by Boldar:
(Sneering) “So that’s what the Earth people call a city, eh. How primitive. Look at all those buildings above ground! Why we could destroy that city with one blast of our Q-ray!”
Yes.
They decide to land.
23:00: Cut to news bulletin about an unidentified object in orbit. Cut to stock footage of a military response.
Another news bulletin about the object disappearing from radar: “They believe the object has either disintegrated in space, or it may be a spaceship from some other planet which has the ability to nullify our radar beams.” Those two, and only those two, possibilities.
25:00: More stock footage of a military response.
27:00: Still stock footage.
30:00: Cut to two boys in the woods talking about Martians. “What would you do if a Martian walked right up behind you?” I bet I can guess what happens next.
Martians walk right up behind them.
They react just like little kids would—make pithy remarks about their antennae, totally narc on Santa.
31:00: Oh! One of the little boys is actually a little girl. Well I’ll be.
32:00: News bulletin about kids going missing. It’s nice how every plot point of this movie makes the breaking news.
35:00: They arrive at the North Pole and put Droppo in charge of watching the children. I can’t imagine this leading to the children’s escape in any way.
Keymar mentions activating “Tork,” and Boldar responds in disbelief that “Tog” would be necessary to capture Santa. Keymar responds that they won’t take any chances and that “nothing can stop Tork.” Boldar says “Tog” again just to reinforce that no one in this movie is really sure what that name actually is. Anway, I hope it’s a robot.
Kids overhear this, and the girl asks: “What a Tau?” Was there even a script for this movie?
40:00: The North Pole looks remarkably like Mars, but blue instead of red. The kids are outside and should, by all rights, be frozen to death by now.
41:00: Boldar is such an asshole.
42:00: They summon Torg to chase the children. Eeee.
43:00: The girl is whining about the cold, which would be more realistic if instead of whining she was freezing to death.
45:00: Sweet crisscrossin’ Christ. This is the kind of D-Movie cheesery you can only dream of: a man dressed in a polar-bear costume chasing the kids. We’re supposed to accept that it’s actually a polar bear.
48:00: Girl whines more about the cold, wishes the snow would stop. I wish she would freeze to death.
49:00: Yes! Torg! It’s a big robot! It is the worst movie robot I’ve ever seen! We’re talking cardboard box painted silver with dryer vents for arms and a bucket for a head. Torg apprehends the kids.
Billy to Keymar: “You won’t get away with this you—you—you Martians!” Was that a racial slur? That felt like a racial slur.
50:00: They plan to send Torg after Santa.
51:00: This is it. This is the moment I’ve been waiting for since I first saw a robot and thought, Man, how cool would it be if that robot fought Santa?
Torg busts in the workshop to some sharp strings and jittery camera work. As he topples workbenches, Winky throws himself in his path. This can only be awesome.
It’s not actually that awesome. Torg just lifts Winky up and carries him around until he confronts Santa, who mistakes him for a toy.
Keymar, watching through the window: “By the great dog star, Santa’s treating him like a toy!”
Boldar: “He’s become a toy…”
Keymar: “We’ll have to go in and get Santa ourselves.”
Wait, what? That was it? Torg was defeated by being treated like a toy? So apparently Keymar’s statement of “Nothing can stop Torg” came with an implicit addendum of “except being treated like a toy…but what are the odds that will happen in this particular confrontation? This confrontation with Santa Claus, the world’s greatest toymaker?”
Torg stands motionless in the workshop as Keymar and Boldar burst in and freeze some elves with a hairdryer. Torg is the worst robot ever (as illustrated by fig. 1).
55:00: Santa thinks the Martians are toys, too, but Winky informs him that they’re Martians. Winky’s mysterious knowledge of all things Martian is never explored.
56:00: The Martians take Santa back to Mars, but not before freezing Mrs. Claus with their hairdryers.
More stock footage of the world’s response.
58:30: Still stock footage. A good third of this movie has to be stock footage.
60:00: On the Martian ship, Santa begins to spread aforementioned “unstoppable Yuletide cheer.” Boldar calls them all “Martianmellows.”
61:00: Santa tells bad jokes, continues to be creepy.
63:00 Enter Droppo. Santa: “Haha! Here’s Droppo!” Really.
Billy is the best actor in this movie.
65:00: Boldar storms off with the stated intention of killing the children. No one reacts.
70:00: Boldar locks Santa and the children in the airlock. Santa: “He probably just stepped out for a moment.” Santa, you naïve schmuck!
Fortunately, there’s a small air duct in the room. An air duct about the size of a chimney. Turns out Santa’s very specific super-power actually comes in handy, as they all escape and have a hardy chuckle about it. Santa’s chuckle continues to be more unsettling than jolly.
75:00: Other stupid things happen and I make myself another drink, put my slippers on.
76:00: Back on Mars now, and Momar continues to look hotter and hotter.
78:00: The Martian children of indeterminate sex are introduced to the Earth children. Then Keymar introduces Santa, who by this point I’m sure should not be around children. Really sure.
80:00: Doors on Mars open by being pointed at. Droppo does a stupid dance to some Benny Hill send-off music.
81:00: This may be the worst movie ever.
82:00: Boldar and his goonies are scheming in a cave. A Martian approaches the cave: “It’s me, Jim!” Jim? Not Gomar or Lexar or Zod? Sure, whatever. They plan to sabotage Santa.
84:00: A look at Santa’s new workshop on Mars. It’s all automated. Santa: “Look at me—Santa Claus, the great toy maker, pressing buttons. That’s automation for ya. Technology. Hmph.” Did this just turn into a neo-Luddite film?
85:00: For an uncomfortable second, it looks like Keymar is asking if the children have been sexually abused by Droppo. It seems plausible, but fortunately we move on. As the Martians get merrier, the Earth children get less and less merry.
86:00: Through some dopplegangery, Droppo is kidnapped in lieu of Santa. No one notices that, unlike the real Santa, Droppo Santa is purple and has antennae. Boldar and his gang turn into the Three Stooges for some reason.
87:00: I am so Googling Momar.
93:00: Droppo escapes from the “nuclear curtain” holding him in the cave by…turning off the curtain. By pressing the button. The button that was located inside the nuclear curtain. It’s oversights like these that make me wonder how Boldar ever made it to the Martian council.
95:00: By this time it seems that all the purple makeup has run off and they couldn’t afford more.
100:00: Martian-ey things happen. Billy overhears Boldar planning to attack the real Santa, so they prepare for him.
101:00: Santa meets Boldar’s assault with THE MOST INSANE DEFENSE SEQUENCE EVER. Boldar dances in place as the children fire fake guns and bubbles at him and small toys scurry about his feet. He’s incapacitated by craziness. Or something. I don’t know. Everyone’s laughing now. Droppo is the Martian Santa.
The movie’s over. I’m so confused.
How the movie lived up to its title:
Occurrences of Santa Claus: High.
Occurrences of Martians: Very high.
Occurrences of Conquering: None at all.
A more appropriate title: Santa Claus Entertains the Martians
-Kyle Adams
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